*Some use of strong language
I don’t know about other borderlines, but for me one of the things that is still extremely difficult for me is when someone rejects/abandons me, especially if I have attached to them in some way.
If I’m not attached to you, then it will not affect me in the same way.
So recently, I began chatting with some people on twitter. With a few of them I began (even though I am aware of the danger) to connect with them more.
All I know is that they seem to make me happy, and draw my attention.
With BPD, there is a tendency to want to get to know a person very quickly, and know everything about them. But over time I have improved some with this, and now hold back in doing so. I realise that they do not need to know everything about me. But obviously, right early on there are issues that need talking about, even if they wish to be a friend, because of my mental illness. My blog helps with this. It gives people a fair understanding of the kind of person they are dealing with.
But then for whatever reason – and most of the time I am not sure why – they reject/abandon me. Perhaps they see me as toxic, or they see me as a problem, or feel like they are walking on eggshells… I really do not know, but it gets to a point where I can think it’s all going fine, and then suddenly without warning, they block me, or dissappear making it so I cannot now further communicate with them. To me this is the worst thing, because now I cannot get to see what the problem was in order to try to address it, but also I cannot communicate honestly and openly and discuss something that will hopefully resolve the situation. Once you cut communication off though, all of that is gone.
In my personal opinion, this is and will always be the wrong move, because communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Once you cut that off, you are basically saying: “that person means absolutely nothing to me, and never did.” You are only concerned with your own feelings, and not those of the other person.
At the time, because of my extreme BPD feelings, all I can feel is severe anger and hurt. The pain is absolutely visceral, and acute; it is so bad, and so overwhelming, that it takes me to a place of suicidal thoughts and feelings, where I feel like there is no way out.
To give you an idea of how quickly it happens, have you ever been in a car accident? I’ve been in a couple, and they happen so very fast, and you never see it coming – it’s like the other driver came from nowhere. You literally cannot believe what happened within a matter of seconds, and the absolute damage and carnage caused. But at least with that, you have the wreckage and sometimes injuries or worse, to actually see with your own eyes the damage that took place in just a matter of seconds. With this (BPD situation), you do not see it. But because you cannot see anything, then I guess that makes it all ok…
From our side, nobody can reason with us when we’re in this emotional state. We are in the absolute pit of despair, pain, and panic, because our BPD is telling us you literally cannot survive without this person. It often has a tendency to lie to us. It has put us into a complete survival mode where all we can think about is how to get that person back, and what we have done that is so bad, because it literally means our survival. When we cannot get to them, we are absolutely destroyed emotionally, and it is as if they have just pushed us off a damn cliff!
And here is perhaps one of the most troubling aspects of this whole situation and that is: to the other party, they just probably may even think and feel they have actually done the “right” thing.
They know absolutely nothing about what their actions have just deployed within us, or they are just not aware, or educated enough, of the extent of the devastation that they have now left you in.
Their seemingly insignificant action, just maybe one button pressed over social media, can cause us to want to end our lives. We are falling off that cliff – you pushed us off.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST FUCKIN’ SHOT US IN THE HEAD!!
THIS IS REAL!
I am giving you a glimpse into OUR world!
I am trying my best to communicate this type of situation in a language that the wider world will understand. Because I know personally just how this feels.
It has several times put my life in danger, and made me want to end my life.
Have any of you seen the series “Breaking Bad?”
There is a bit in the series where Walter White broke in to his partner Jesse’s house (whom he had fallen out with, but still cared about him – but cared more for his own agenda), and saw Jesse and his girlfriend Jane sleeping away, completely high on drugs, they were both laying on their side in case they vomited through the night. They were completely gone, but Walter tried to wake Jesse up, by shoving him, and in doing so, he knocked the girlfriend Jane onto her back. Then she starts choking, and you see vomit coming up, as she is choking on it, not aware of what is happening, nor able to move. Walter looks over and knows what is happening, and all he would have had to do was move her onto her side again.
He was literally just the other side of her. Inches away… Yet he sat there and watched as she choked to death on her own vomit, knowing Jesse would never know he was even there, and will just think it happened on its own. Jesse loved this girl, and when he finally woke the next day, he desperately tried to get the girl to wake up, but she had died.
When you watch this, it literally makes you so angry at the character Walter the fact that he could just literally sit inches away, and WATCH a girl choke to death on her own vomit. He was only concerned with his own feelings and that he would now have his partner working with him again. The pure evil and selfishness is disgustingly obvious at this point.
So bearing this in mind…When someone cuts us off, or walks away, or rejects us, you might as well be watching us choking on our own vomit. We may not actually die physically, (although we wish we could), but you would have caused a death-like wound to us.
How we feel about a person who could just watch and walk away like that – that’s how we will now view you. You absolutely without a doubt highly disgust us!
You may have done this just once to us, or many times in fact. But we will always feel this deep down inside. We never just feel the pain of one wound, or one instance, either; no, what happens is we feel all the times anyone has ever caused that kind of wound within us. Read that again!
It is like a wound that goes down so deep, and is full of many layers, that you probably cannot even grasp. But like a domino effect, each rejection/abandonment type trigger, sets all those dominos off, and we feel every single fuckin’ one!
The amount of pain we then have within us… trust me, you would be begging for someone to put you down.
We may learn to forgive you at some point. We may even see a better side to you, and know that you were not trying to hurt us; but unless we do see that, or we learn you never meant to hurt us like that, then we will just have hate and disgust for you.
So whatever happens, keep the line of communication open. Even if you want to end a relationship, TELL US; don’t ‘ghost’ or ignore us. It’ll still hurt, but nowhere near so much as if you just disappear.
Most of the time, however, a relationship doesn’t need to end, and reassurance from your side – and explanation from ours – can resolve any issues that arise. That’s what mature people do, they resolve issues and problems that come up. Any relationship requires work, and a relationship with a BPD sufferer is exponentially more complex.
But it CAN work!