Letter to myself… (my inner child)

(a photo of me when I was young)

Dear Michelle,

It is time!

What is it time for you ask?

It is time for forgiveness, and acknowledgement. It is time for growth and for change.

It is time to face those difficult fears…Yes you know of them I know you do. You do not need to be afraid any longer…OK?

So first of all. We have to build a bridge, a connection to each other. To do this, and I do not expect this to happen over night…

I must acknowledge my wrongs to you.

Please allow me this chance to say how sorry I truly am for making you hurt and giving you extra pain, when all you probably needed was reassurance and love. That was wrong of me all those times and I know you have the scars to prove it. This has also given you a somewhat warped view of love. That is not love.

I apologise for not hearing you, and not acknowledging how much pain you were already in. I am sorry for only adding to the burdens you were already carrying. That was not fair. I hurt you terribly. I added to your tears. I made you feel more lower about yourself. That was wrong. Totally wrong!

They say one of the hardest things is forgiving oneself. And I understand that now. It is deep self reflection and many do not want to go there. To face themselves. It’s so much easier to just keep brushing it under the carpet so to speak.

But I will not do that any longer. No I won’t, because you deserve more. Much more. This is your time now. You and me can learn and grow together. We will be stronger because of that. Can you learn to trust me?

I believe in love. I believe that if we have not been taught how to love, then we need to teach ourselves how to love. There are many good examples of love that we can learn from. And it is up to us to find and learn how love should be and then try to emulate that. I think we all know within us what we are drawn to, and it is usually people who have love. It is up to me now to give and teach that kind of love to you. Yes it will take some time. But we will get there. A step at a time.

I will try my hardest not to hurt you more, because I know now that is not what is going to help you grow. What will help you grow is love and reassurance. Acceptance and approval. All those things you never got when you were younger and so desperately often crave and reach out for. At least you know that there is a reason why you crave for such things, because everyone was created with this need for love.

But now I am hoping as I learn to better help and improve myself, that it will also nourish and protect you, and help you to grow.

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to do this. But we will get there. You are important to me.

I want you to remember, that even if I do get upset or angry, it is not your fault. It is just circumstances out of our control. It does not mean you are at fault. It does not mean you are a bad person.

Please remember also that I love you no matter what, and that will not ever change. There are many things in life that may change, but that will not be one of them.

We will get through this together.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Hold my hand…little one. I am here now.

You are loved. You are safe, and I will protect you.

Your older self…

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Letter to my inner child – Not working!

So I was trying to do a letter to my inner child, and it wasn’t working.

It wasn’t feeling right, and I wasn’t connecting. And I think I know the reasons why.

I feel guilty because as well as the abuse she has had from others, I have also abused her, and hurt her, and so how can I say to her, I will protect you and I love you, when that is not what I have shown? That’s just words. She isn’t going to believe words.

I have to show her over time and build up her trust, and it is going to be difficult. I do not have a healthy relationship with myself. It has been destructive and much like the relationships from my parents, surprise surprise…

I have given her more pain, and put her down even more. I’ve ADDED to her pain. This realisation kinda disturbs me. I guess there was some realisation at the time, but it still hurts me to think I have been giving myself more pain when I already have had enough of that to deal with. I have not known how to protect and look after myself, nor even thought I was worthy of this, and therefore I’ve just taken everything out on myself.

I have become the abuser, and for this I am deeply ashamed. I feel horrible. I feel like I (my inner child) didn’t deserve that. But how do I make it right? Where do I even begin..?

If I say sorry to myself, (my inner child), then surely other abusers could just say the same, and then that would set a pattern wouldn’t it? Like am I just supposed to accept that I gave myself more pain? If it was another person, I would have no more to do with them, but you can’t really have no more to do with yourself, can you?

I want to say that I hate myself, but I actually hate the self destructive part of me, the abusive part of me.

I can be so empathetic towards others, but not to myself. I need to give MYSELF empathy. I need to make myself whole. I feel really upset by all of this. I am not sure what to think.

Is this why I am hurting so much still? Why I feel I am grieving?

This is really messed up, and I really do not know where to go from here…

I never realised how going from a self destructive relationship to a healthy relationship would be so confusing and troubling, and so difficult…

TO ANYONE ENTERING INTO ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A BORDERLINE (BPD) – YOU NEED TO READ THIS!

*Some use of strong language

I don’t know about other borderlines, but for me one of the things that is still extremely difficult for me is when someone rejects/abandons me, especially if I have attached to them in some way.

If I’m not attached to you, then it will not affect me in the same way.

So recently, I began chatting with some people on twitter. With a few of them I began (even though I am aware of the danger) to connect with them more.

All I know is that they seem to make me happy, and draw my attention.

With BPD, there is a tendency to want to get to know a person very quickly, and know everything about them. But over time I have improved some with this, and now hold back in doing so. I realise that they do not need to know everything about me. But obviously, right early on there are issues that need talking about, even if they wish to be a friend, because of my mental illness. My blog helps with this. It gives people a fair understanding of the kind of person they are dealing with.

But then for whatever reason – and most of the time I am not sure why – they reject/abandon me. Perhaps they see me as toxic, or they see me as a problem, or feel like they are walking on eggshells… I really do not know, but it gets to a point where I can think it’s all going fine, and then suddenly without warning, they block me, or dissappear making it so I cannot now further communicate with them. To me this is the worst thing, because now I cannot get to see what the problem was in order to try to address it, but also I cannot communicate honestly and openly and discuss something that will hopefully resolve the situation. Once you cut communication off though, all of that is gone.

In my personal opinion, this is and will always be the wrong move, because communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Once you cut that off, you are basically saying: “that person means absolutely nothing to me, and never did.” You are only concerned with your own feelings, and not those of the other person.

At the time, because of my extreme BPD feelings, all I can feel is severe anger and hurt. The pain is absolutely visceral, and acute; it is so bad, and so overwhelming, that it takes me to a place of suicidal thoughts and feelings, where I feel like there is no way out.

To give you an idea of how quickly it happens, have you ever been in a car accident? I’ve been in a couple, and they happen so very fast, and you never see it coming – it’s like the other driver came from nowhere. You literally cannot believe what happened within a matter of seconds, and the absolute damage and carnage caused. But at least with that, you have the wreckage and sometimes injuries or worse, to actually see with your own eyes the damage that took place in just a matter of seconds. With this (BPD situation), you do not see it. But because you cannot see anything, then I guess that makes it all ok…

From our side, nobody can reason with us when we’re in this emotional state. We are in the absolute pit of despair, pain, and panic, because our BPD is telling us you literally cannot survive without this person. It often has a tendency to lie to us. It has put us into a complete survival mode where all we can think about is how to get that person back, and what we have done that is so bad, because it literally means our survival. When we cannot get to them, we are absolutely destroyed emotionally, and it is as if they have just pushed us off a damn cliff!

And here is perhaps one of the most troubling aspects of this whole situation and that is: to the other party, they just probably may even think and feel they have actually done the “right” thing.

They know absolutely nothing about what their actions have just deployed within us, or they are just not aware, or educated enough, of the extent of the devastation that they have now left you in.

Their seemingly insignificant action, just maybe one button pressed over social media, can cause us to want to end our lives. We are falling off that cliff – you pushed us off.

 

YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE JUST FUCKIN’ SHOT US IN THE HEAD!!

THIS IS REAL!

I am giving you a glimpse into OUR world!

I am trying my best to communicate this type of situation in a language that the wider world will understand. Because I know personally just how this feels.

It has several times put my life in danger, and made me want to end my life.

Have any of you seen the series “Breaking Bad?”

There is a bit in the series where Walter White broke in to his partner Jesse’s house (whom he had fallen out with, but still cared about him – but cared more for his own agenda), and saw Jesse and his girlfriend Jane sleeping away, completely high on drugs, they were both laying on their side in case they vomited through the night. They were completely gone, but Walter tried to wake Jesse up, by shoving him, and in doing so, he knocked the girlfriend Jane onto her back. Then she starts choking, and you see vomit coming up, as she is choking on it, not aware of what is happening, nor able to move. Walter looks over and knows what is happening, and all he would have had to do was move her onto her side again.

He was literally just the other side of her. Inches away… Yet he sat there and watched as she choked to death on her own vomit, knowing Jesse would never know he was even there, and will just think it happened on its own. Jesse loved this girl, and when he finally woke the next day, he desperately tried to get the girl to wake up, but she had died.

When you watch this, it literally makes you so angry at the character Walter the fact that he could just literally sit inches away, and WATCH a girl choke to death on her own vomit. He was only concerned with his own feelings and that he would now have his partner working with him again. The pure evil and selfishness is disgustingly obvious at this point.

So bearing this in mind…When someone cuts us off, or walks away, or rejects us, you might as well be watching us choking on our own vomit. We may not actually die physically, (although we wish we could), but you would have caused a death-like wound to us.

How we feel about a person who could just watch and walk away like that – that’s how we will now view you. You absolutely without a doubt highly disgust us!

You may have done this just once to us, or many times in fact. But we will always feel this deep down inside. We never just feel the pain of one wound, or one instance, either; no, what happens is we feel all the times anyone has ever caused that kind of wound within us. Read that again!

It is like a wound that goes down so deep, and is full of many layers, that you probably cannot even grasp. But like a domino effect, each rejection/abandonment type trigger, sets all those dominos off, and we feel every single fuckin’ one!

The amount of pain we then have within us… trust me, you would be begging for someone to put you down.

We may learn to forgive you at some point. We may even see a better side to you, and know that you were not trying to hurt us; but unless we do see that, or we learn you never meant to hurt us like that, then we will just have hate and disgust for you.

So whatever happens, keep the line of communication open. Even if you want to end a relationship, TELL US; don’t ‘ghost’ or ignore us. It’ll still hurt, but nowhere near so much as if you just disappear.

Most of the time, however, a relationship doesn’t need to end, and reassurance from your side – and explanation from ours – can resolve any issues that arise. That’s what mature people do, they resolve issues and problems that come up. Any relationship requires work, and a relationship with a BPD sufferer is exponentially more complex.

But it CAN work!

Summary of: “Once Upon A Time”

So here are some thoughts and feelings about My story…

I don’t know if many got the chance to read my story, or perhaps bits of it.

How I feel about it… I have mixed feelings, really.

There was a whole lot of initial anger and pain that came up from writing it, as you can imagine, and quite a few times I had to dissociate to be able to deal with the intensity of those feelings, which I cannot even describe… but somehow, at the same time, it almost felt like I was writing it about someone else in places, too.

I did not include absolutely everything, because you just cannot do that, and it would have made it just laboriously long. I added what certainly stood out to me, and the bits I personally remember the most.

Of course there were also occasional good times amongst all the bad. I am aware of this. There were good days, and laughter and joy. But I tend to remember mainly all the bad; and by far, the bad outweighed the good. If you can imagine the sun was always trying to shine behind black clouds, and there were occasional breaks amongst that cloud cover, but the dark clouds soon rejoined.

As for my own observations, what I picked up from it all was that I was severely and utterly just… used, in a variety of ways. I was used to such an extent that I didn’t even have a chance to develop who I was.

My feelings were not listened to or acknowledged, in fact were totally ignored – and even worse, deliberately disregarded and trampled on. I was treated like a doormat basically, where people could wipe their feet on me. I was treated like an object rather than a person, someone who did not matter. But even worse than that, it was like I didn’t even exist.

But what is interesting is that none of this type of emotional and psychological abuse leaves any proof. It is simply my word against those that treated me this way. Obviously I remember in detail what it felt like, and to this day, cannot recount things without tears and anger. But none of those that treated me this way probably even remember. They probably never gave it a second thought. The fact that someone can go through so much trauma on one side, but that the person on the other side causing the issues doesn’t even recognise what they are doing… it’s cruel, unjust, and pure evil. It absolutely disgusts me. And that is why it is the weapon of choice from these abusers who actually do know what they’re doing. It is subtle, it is insidious, and slowly poisons your system over time, to where you do not even recognise the toxic environment you are in. And it leaves no scars, no evidence.

None of it can really be traced back to the abusers. And that is why it will always be the most lethal type of abuse and most damaging for the victims. It will cause that person to have mental illness and probably some type of PTSD/CPTSD, and other associated type behavioural disorders for the rest of their life. And that is what I have to live with.

I would rather have been beaten up badly, so badly that I ended up in hospital. I would like to “show” you what my abusers had done to me. Instead, over time, and through many years, I guess I show what my abusers have done to me by self-harming. That is how it comes through. And that is why I am so upset to have lost that youtube video, because that was MY PROOF!

The only proof I have is scars, and disorders that I have been diagnosed with. The medication I take to keep me well enough to survive. The fact that I live with unending and unceasing emotional/mental pain. The fact that I cannot have a full and healthy relationship with my husband how I should be able to. And it would be the same with anyone else, because my husband is like a parent figure to me, as well as a husband and carer. It has been like this for so long now, I do not know how to even make it right. It just is what it is. I am grateful there is enough love there to still make the relationship work, despite the obvious holes within it. Someone like me was never going to have a completely healthy relationship, I guess. The wounds are just too deep.

There was also huge relief in writing this story, because it was acknowledgement to myself that these things happened. And I needed that. I needed to say to my inner child: “Yes I BELIEVE YOU, and I saw and felt what happened! I acknowledge your feelings, every single damn one of them, and they are IMPORTANT!”

So as I sit here streaming with tears, and with anger and torment in my soul, I really hope somehow through my writing you get a sense of how important it is to tell your story. I didn’t name names, because I know who they are. Nobody else needs to know except my nearest and dearest.

Tell your story, no matter how hard and difficult it is. Because this is our testament, and with each one, those puny abusers, in our minds at least, can be reduced to what they really are, which is NOTHING!

This is OUR POWER!

And you will NEVER take that away from us again!!!

Youtube STOLE my video

I made up a video of years of my self harm pictures, put together with sad piano music. Yes it was sad, and distressing.

BUT IT WAS MY VIDEO!

It was what I made to show others my pain! Do you understand how something like that can mean so much to me. When words fail me, I had that video to show people.

I made the mistake of putting it on Twitter, to help people understand more about self harm. Someone reported it. Maybe others did too, I do not know.

That video had been viewed by hundreds on youtube. It had all the appropriate warnings. It was never deleted then. But after being on twitter for less than an hour, it got reported and then youtube deleted it. Then I got an email saying “we have deleted your video because it goes against community standards”…right ok, but you were fine until it was on twitter!!!

Yet they then proceeded to DELETE MY VIDEO. This was not at all fair. They could have just asked me to put it to private and I would have done. Instead they deleted the only copy I had of years of my suffering. To others it was self harm, but to me they are and were all my battle scars. It is like someone writing a load of personal and deep poetry and then one day, losing all of them. That is akin to how this feels.

It may not seem important to anyone else, but THIS WAS MY FUCKIN STUFF! THEY HAD NO RIGHT TO DELETE IT!

I have tried to look to where I had a copy of this video, as I had copies on my phone of most of my videos I made which I transferred onto my laptop. But guess what? I cannot find this one, not anywhere, perhaps the only one I wanted most of all. It literally breaks my heart. It is a massive trigger. This happened about a month ago, and I have only just remembered it again. I dissociated from the original anger and pain when I first found out when it happened because it was too much for me to contemplate losing it.

A poem

This is a pathetic attempt at a poem. I don’t really do poetry, you can probably tell…

Where does all the anger go?

It goes down my face through many tears,

It hides in my stomach as fears,

It turns into the worst thoughts that cut like shears.

It comes through my chest as it aches,

The features crumpled up on my face,

Yes, I know where the anger goes…

But where does it begin?

I shall never know…

1 year anniversary on WordPress and question about blogging and things I do/use….

OK, I am seriously a little bit proud of myself since I’ve just got this 1 year Anniversary thingy ma jig on here!

I have suppressed many times getting rid of my blog. So for me, this is, wow… I actually kept at something…

Um, so since I’ve been at this thing for a year now, I was going to ask my bloggers a serious question as I still am not sure how and what the rules are on here.

Basically this is what I do when I write a post…

I write it, and then I look for pics on “Google” for what I want. I then screenshot them, and then put them in my blog. It’s quite simple.

Also a few times I’ve copied and pasted excerpts from other sources of information, but always put where it’s come from.

So what I’m asking is:

Am I going to get in any trouble for this?

Is it OK to do this?

Or am I not allowed to use whatever pics from Google?

Because I honestly do not know, but I want to make sure I’m not breaking any copyright laws or whatever.

Your help would be much appreciated.

Just to say, I am a wordpress beginner. So please keep things simple. 😊🙏