If you continue to ignore me…

There are those who continue to ignore you, and give you silent treatments, why?!

Because it’s like a silent killer!

With a Borderline, it is a slow type of rejection over time.

What does this tell us?

It tells us you don’t care.

It tells us you never did care.

It tells us that you reject us in every way.

It tells us we are not worth your time, or your effort or energy.

It tells us we are worthless.

It tells us everything that we don’t want to believe or think is true.

What happens is, often, we will fight desperately against all this because we find this rejection and heartache so damn painful and hard to accept, and we will keep contacting a person who ignores us in an attempt to put right any wrongs.

We want to make it all ok again.

We will apologise, or we may get angry at you. We may even be manipulative or find fault with you, simply because we do not want to accept that you just don’t care or like us.

We crave approval and to be acknowledged and liked. But we are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

That desire to fix is often unbelievably strong. We will do practically anything to just make it feel better in us again.

We just want you to contact us again, so that the pain will stop. Anything! And it will drive us absolutely insane that you don’t. It will burn a hole right through our very core.

We want and need you to contact us so that it will tell us you do care and that we do matter.

But…

Though it hurts (and it really does)…it is something we all have to learn to accept and come to terms with.

There comes a time when you have to stop searching for answers, or ways to get back at them. You just have to accept it.

There comes a point when you have to take back the power, and block these individuals and keep them blocked.

Yes it hurts, but not everyone is meant to stay in your life.

They have already deleted you from their life. They have already moved on.

Chances are, if they are not contacting you, then they have either muted, or blocked you, and they don’t wish to hear from you any longer.

It hurts to be rejected, but it is part of life.

They do not or perhaps they can not care for you or be what we would like them to be for us.

We have to, (as painful as it is for borderlines especially)… cut all ties.

It feels so final and that’s why it’s hard to do, and we feel loss very much. We want there to be an opening…just in case.

But all we are doing by keeping in contact with these ones, is delaying the inevitable. It’s like waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

You have to sever any contact. And you have to move on.

If they cared, they would have shown it already wouldn’t they?!

If someone wants to be a part of your life. They will be there. And nothing and nobody will stop them. Nothing!

They are the kind of people I want in my life. Ones I know care without any doubt. Not some wishy washy people who just play with your feelings and get some power over you by ignoring you.

You don’t get to play with my feelings anymore. Because now I reject you…

Once you are gone now, that’s it! Game over! I will make it final! Once you’ve lost me, I’m gone.

I will not ask “what if” any longer…

I will no longer try to mend or fix whatever is broken…

I will not keep looking over my shoulder, just incase…

People show by their actions what they want. So believe them.

I will move on, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!

Whatever power you had over me, you no longer have it!

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Once upon a time – Part 5

Once upon a time – Part 5

Continued…

This young man wanted to help Michelle, and could perceive that there were problems that were happening; for the first few times she met with him he could see that she was anxious about going home, but she always put on a brave face. Her father, watching from an upstairs window, saw her get out of the young man’s car one evening, and she could see the reaction on his face. He was not pleased.

Her father did not like this man, and he started to make things difficult. He asked Michelle many questions, to which she tried to answer. He had made up stories and told lies about other boyfriends she had in the past, so that she would not trust them. With this man, he knew he had to tread carefully. Her father knew she was about to leave that day to go out with him, and he told her to never put all her eggs in one basket, and that if I was going to his house, to pick up ‘insurance,’ something of value, yet something they wouldn’t notice missing.

She tried to remember her father’s words, and as she was around his house that day, she picked up a photo and a piece of paper with his payroll number on it, and put them in her bag, as she knew this would keep her father happy. This man owned half the house that he and his then girlfriend had bought together. He was still living there, but they had separated. The former girlfriend, visiting, noticed a photo had gone, and was suspicious and so phoned to ask him where it could be. Michelle had obviously not done this before and did not know why her father asked her to do it. She was not good at it, and felt uncomfortable taking it.

The young man asked if Michelle knew anything about the photo, and she opened up to him and told him honestly that she had taken it, and the payroll piece of paper, but had just borrowed them. She was never going to keep them. He thanked her for being honest, but then his ex-girlfriend started calling Michelle a thief and other names, and causing trouble. This made things a bit awkward for this man, but he cared a lot about Michelle nonetheless, and could see she was in a bad, manipulating environment. He was a very quiet, shy type, though he knew martial arts, and said he would protect her.

Another evening, she was about to be dropped off by him, and her father had the door wide open, and he was drunk, and shouting abusively, saying how he would kill her new boyfriend. Her brothers were trying to calm him down. He was shouting very loudly. Michelle hid in the garden, as she was afraid to go in, and the young man told her to get back in his car. He drove her back to his parent’s house, and Michelle and he stayed the night at their house, which is where he was now living. Because of her previously dating the older brother, he and Michelle had to sneak in there in the dark, so his brother wouldn’t see. Next morning, the man and Michelle decided to go back to Michelle’s house, and see how the land lay. It was not good. Michelle was locked out. The gate was bolted and locked shut. She knocked on the door several times, and windows, and her father was in the kitchen just completely ignoring her as if she was not there. He would not even look at her.

She decided to go to the only person in her family who he would submit to: her mother’s mum, Michelle’s grandma. She took a visit to her grandma, and explained the situation, and let them meet her new man. They were pleased to meet him, and her grandma got ready and came out, and they took a drive to Michelle’s house. Grandma now knocked on the door, and immediately Michelle’s father reacted to her voice. She reasoned with him but firmly told her father that he is to let his daughter in, as that is where she lives, and to let her at least get her stuff. Her father got a big black sack, opened the door and shoved just about the whole of Michelle’s wardrobe and things in her drawers in it. There were odd shoes missing as he really did not care, but he gave it to my grandma, without saying anything, but begrudgingly giving her what Michelle needed, otherwise he knew there would be trouble.

Her grandma got in touch with her aunt and uncle who had a two-bedroomed flat in the city, and were able to have Michelle stay with them. This was her mother’s sister. She was more than happy to have her there, and was so pleased that Michelle was now coming to live with her, and said she could stay as long as she wanted. Her aunt gave her the bedroom, with a big double bed in it, and she said that room was hers, and that she could have her new man live there too if he wanted. However, because of all that had been going on. Michelle then had a chat with her new man, and told him to go think on things and ask himself if he really did wish to be with her, or if he was just trying to help her. She wanted him to have time to see what was what. By the end of the day, he had already decided that he wanted to be with her.

Michelle was happy to be living at her aunt’s place, and her aunt was very much like her mother, and would spend a lot of time down the local pub, drinking, and would know the landlord, and nobody messed with her. Michelle was her bridesmaid when her uncle and aunt got married. They had left each other many times and got back together again. The uncle had beaten her aunt up in the past, and then the grandma, who knows certain people in certain circles, all she had to do was let them know, and these people would hunt the uncle down and beat the shit out of him. Their relationship was very complicated to say the least. Very love/hate. But for now they were both on good terms with one another. Michelle told them of the troubles she had been living with at home, and they believed her, and reassured her that her father would never set foot in that place. They told her she would be safe there. Her father did not know the address either, and therefore Michelle and her new man felt safe there.

One evening Michelle and her new man were coming back to her aunt’s flat, and her uncle came out and said please would we get a b&b or something for the night, as her aunt and him had some things to sort out. They of course let them have some time together alone, and slept in the car that night. At the time Michelle had only just got all her benefits sorted out with the new address, and so only had little money to live on. Her new man had a job, and was trying to pay his half on the house, but had to give his half up, over to his ex girlfriend, and this left him with much less money, so now the house was hers. Michelle and her new man got very close, and there was some sexual intimacy even, however he could tell there were issues.

One evening, Michelle had had a lot to drink, and he had to put her to bed, and he was laughing, as he was trying to undress Michelle for bed, and Michelle was very drunk, and after he undressed her, he gave her oral sex, and then he went to have intercourse with her, she could feel him just inside her, but asked her first, if that is what she wanted, or whether she would prefer him to stop. He was all ready to go, but Michelle said to stop. So he did. He was not about to take advantage of her, nor do something without her consent. He was a good man. And he cared a lot for Michelle.

He kept noticing little things about Michelle as they spent more time together, where Michelle would put her hand up as if to protect her head, if he suddenly moved his hand/arm. He noticed this, but she did not even notice she was doing these sorts of things. He asked if her father had ever hit her, to which she replied no, as the memories had not come back yet, and were still blocked. One evening, she happened to be dancing on the dance floor, and her new man was watching admiring her at the bar, and another guy came behind her, and started grinding up behind her, so he came to intervene and told him to get off her. He stared the guy down, and asked if she wished him to be sorted out. To which she said no, don’t worry, just leave it be. He was protective of her like that.

Meanwhile her father, unbeknownst to her, was borrowing a vehicle that she would not recognise and trying to find out where she was living. He found out her new man’s mobile number, and one evening sent him an anonymous text saying: “Just one match…Boom!” This got her new man seething. One evening he had to check on his car, to make sure it was safe. Her father put on a wig to disguise himself, and eventually found the area where Michelle was living, but didn’t know the flat block and so hung around the area, stalking, and waited until we came walking by, not recognising him, and walked straight past him into the flat block.

Michelle and her new man were trying to find a place of their own. They looked at lots, but many were just not suitable, or were too expensive. Her aunt and uncle were having some difficulties, and also Michelle’s mental health and the stress from her father was getting to her, and she was having to have more appointments, and sort out other work pay, from the recent jobs she had had. They had paid her too much sick pay, therefore she had to write them a letter, and offer to pay £10 a month (as that is all she could afford) until it was paid back. She managed to use her aunt’s old typewriter to do this, and got the address, and put it ready on the side in the living room, to post. Michelle had also given her aunt £40 because the aunt had spent the rent money on cigarettes and drink. But Michelle was happy to do that.

One evening while Michelle and her man were watching tv in their room at her aunt’s place, and they heard a knock at the door, and someone come in. It sounded all friendly, so they didn’t think much of it, but then she recognised the new voice. The same way her father was able to charm her mother in the past, he was able to do the same with her aunt. Unbeknownst to Michelle, they had all gone behind Michelle’s back, and met up while Michelle and her new man were sleeping in the car that evening. They all met and talked about the situation, to which my aunt said it had been difficult at times dealing with Michelle’s mental health issues, and of course her father knowing this, played his cards right, and told her aunt and uncle all the trouble that he had had, in trying to sort her out, and how difficult it had been for him, and how he was just trying to take care of her – making her out to be someone ungrateful, and someone with an attitude, and whatever else he could come up with. Basically he painted her black, and therefore they all planned behind Michelle’s back to get her to move out from her aunt’s place.

So back to when her father entered her aunt’s home, and she recognised the voice…

She immediately was in fight-or-flight mode, and shocked that they had let him into the home, exactly what they had promised not to do. Now there they all were laughing and having a drink in the living room. Her father saw the letter addressed to her old work, and managed to take this without anyone noticing, while he was there. (Michelle finds this out later). Michelle came out of the room, angry and upset, and cannot believe what is happening. They said she would be safe here, and so this rocks her and she is bewildered, and extremely upset, and wants to die. She gets a knife from the cupboard, and is now suicidal, as she has had enough. The only people she trusted have now let her down, and her father managed to get to them, too.

They all totally ignore that she am suicidal, and crying on the kitchen floor, and her new man is not sure what is going on or what to do, so he holds back on doing anything. Her father and her aunt and uncle all walk out laughing, and then leave Michelle in a very bad state… they all abandon her, and do not say when they will be back or where they are going. Her new man comes to try to help, but she is so distraught, and cannot now trust anyone, that she is angry at him, and tells him to leave. He leaves. She now is just left in the flat alone.

She wants to give up, and just push the knife into her stomach, but she just sobs and sobs, and then falls asleep from exhaustion.

The next day, she wakes up, and nobody is there. Everyone is gone still. So she then tidies the whole flat up, and cleans, and makes it all nice for when her aunt gets back, but there is no phone working, and Michelle had no mobile phone at the time. She waits and waits, but nobody returns, and then another evening goes by, and then the next day. There is no food at all left in the cupboards, and she gave her last £40 to her aunt. She has no money. Everyone has left and abandoned her. She cannot get in contact with anyone. She doesn’t know where anyone is. She is hungry. She then walks in the sun over a mile or so away, to her boyfriend’s place, as she is desperate. She was told never to come there, because of the situation with the older brother. But she had no choice. She didn’t know where to turn.

She knocks on the door to her man’s house, and his mother comes to the door. She was always nice to Michelle, and just asked: “Which one?” Michelle told her she needed to speak to her man. She fetched him, but in the background was his older brother, and so he came outside and said you shouldn’t have come here. But she said how she was desperate and didn’t know what else to do. But because she felt like she let him down too, she just said: “don’t worry, I’ll leave.” So she left and began walking, with tears rolling down her face, not knowing where she was going, the pain was overwhelming, and she had nobody whom she could trust or go to.

She felt completely and utterly helpless, and lost. She was dizzy now from not having anything to eat for a day, and was exhausted from walking, and was having delusions of killing herself, and just started veering into the road into the path of an oncoming bus that had just turned around a roundabout, and was coming down that street, and she just stood in the road, waiting for it to run her over, but the bus slammed on its brakes.

Michelle went into a dissociative type state, and sat in the road, shouting out: “I wanna die, I wanna die;” so then somebody called the police, and they came, and they got her over onto the path, and tried to ask her questions, but she was not responding, because she had switched off. They found ID on her and took her into their car, and then took her to the nearest mental hospital. She was then sectioned, and unbeknown to her, her new man had come after her in his car, and saw the police car leave with her and just followed it to the hospital. He then came in there with her, and sat through everything. Seeing her doctor and psychiatrist, she cried and sobbed, and didn’t want to be there, but she was a danger to herself, and therefore was sectioned. They gave her a bed, and something to eat and drink, and some meds to help calm her down. Her man said he would see her the next day. She did not care any longer, as she had literally lost everything. Now even her sanity.

He came though, every single day she was there, after work, even though he was tired, he came to be with her. He helped her through and got some things she desperately needed. He got her a mobile phone so she could contact him. He took her out when she was allowed leave.

After about a week of being there, her meds got changed, and she had some assessments, and they had notes not to let the father into the place. She got a big bedsheet dropped of with all her stuff in it with a message, not from her aunt, but from the aunt’s friend who she didn’t know in Scotland, saying how this was all her stuff. Nobody cared where she was or what had happened. Nobody came to see her, except her boyfriend.

Apparently that evening, when everyone left the apartment and her on the floor, her father just went home, and her aunt and uncle just went to Scotland to go stay with a friend. They just assumed Michelle would eventually leave if they didn’t come back, and it worked. There was no apology, no explanation, nothing. Michelle also noticed some of her stuff was missing. But by then, she had gone beyond caring.

She managed to stabilise while at hospital, but was now homeless. A social worker got her a place at a women’s youth hostel. She was given a room there after coming out of mental hospital. No visitors were allowed in, including her boyfriend; they had to ring at the door, and then the girls in there get told who is there.

She went with her man to her father’s place one day while he was at work, and she managed to climb onto the low roof, and in through the tiny bathroom window to get into her house, where she was able to pick up the rest of her stuff, and bits and bobs she needed. Plus while she was there, she had a look around, and saw a phone bill – and also in a kitchen cupboard, her letter, which she’d typed at her aunt’s and never got to send. Her father had made a copy of it, and then changed the repayment from £10 to £100 a month. She has no idea if he sent it or not, but she knows at least where her letter got to.

She brought her stuff back to the hostel, and then a few days later suddenly the police came to arrest her for breaking and entering. She was then handcuffed and told the appropriate rules they read, but she said how she had been in contact with her father since, and that they were fine.

The policewoman asked her to get him on the phone there and then, and ask him if he still wanted to press charges, and so she did, and he didn’t wish to press charges. The policewoman left. Michelle was angry that her father still got her arrested. Later she went and spoke to a woman who was within the police force, and told her what had happened at home, and she said if Michelle wished to take it further, then she was willing to get the case started. However Michelle refrained, because then her father and her were on speaking terms again.

Her father bought the kittens in the back of the car to see her, as the mother cat at home had had kittens. But this was bait to try to get her home again. Michelle was waiting on getting a place with her boyfriend, but nothing seemed to be working out. He was not even sure how he felt about her at the time, and that’s not surprising as she was very difficult to deal with and much more unstable. So she decided that going home would probably be the best option. She had to go back to go forward. So after about a month staying at this woman’s youth hostel, she went back to her fathers house.

Her father though had given her bedroom over to one of her other brothers, and said she would have to sleep downstairs on the sofa. She had nowhere to put her clothes and stuff. Her room upstairs was now her brothers room, and he was also now allowed to give his sister verbal abuse when she came back. This was my punishment for being away, and what had happened. While her brothers and father went to work, she was to clean and tidy the whole house, and do the laundry, and then cook and prepare meals for them all when they come home from work. Michelle continued to get remarks and verbal abuse off of her older brother, which her father allowed, and said it was perfectly fair.

Michelle cried and cried over the breakup with her boyfriend as she really did love him, and perhaps moreso than he did her, and she was no longer seeing him and broke up with him. He wrote a letter to her, and phoned her on the house phone a few times while her father and brothers were at work. He missed her, but it was like he also missed the relationship before her. Michelle was not sure what she wanted and everything was a mess, so thought it better to break up with him. Her phone would keep ringing constantly, to which she would ignore, and then he would come round looking for places she would be. He came into Michelle’s local pub, and saw her father and Michelle having a drink and a chat, and he saw us, and walked off. He was not happy that my father got to me again, and got me home. But Michelle felt it was unfair to keep with him, and be a burden on him financially and otherwise. He kept coming over and would keep ringing though for a while, until Michelle cut ties.

Eventually, Michelle got her room back upstairs… but now it was time for her father to perhaps get remarried again he thought. How did all this happen?

To be continued…

Once upon a time – Part 4

Once upon a time – Part 4 – Continued…

What happened to Michelle’s father? Her father was questioned overnight, and was held in custody over attempted rape and attempted murder charges. These were serious charges, and so he was questioned severely, and written statements were made and recordings of the whole lot.

Eventually Michelle and her brothers go back home. Michelle does not want to be at home. She dreads going into her bedroom. There the bed still sits on the floor, unmade, and where the incident happened, as well as her own bed, all disturbed, and unmade, and she could only imagine happened on there. There was no apology from her father. There was nothing. Michelle began to peel the dirty covers off her own bed and make it fresh with clean linen. Only she was going to do it, apparently.

She tidied up her friend’s bed, and put her sleeping bag away. She was worried about her friend, and missed her dearly, and nobody acknowledged these feelings.

She was to be there for her father now. He was very distraught and upset by the upcoming court case. It got taken to Crown court. She remembers having to take time off work to go with her father to see his lawyer, and find whatever they could to make it look like it was her friend’s fault. At home she had to hear her dad get drunk and read out the statements, in gritty detail of how he sexually assaulted her. This was her best friend she had ever had.

Her father then wanted her to pretend to be a false person on the internet, because Michelle was a touch-typist, and fast. Her father made a false profile up and made Michelle type whatever he said. He began to talk to my best friend through this false profile, which was a young handsome man, who got her to open up to him. He was very supportive of her of course, and my father knowing her well, could translate this over text to her, through Michelle. Michelle felt she had no choice in the matter. She still missed her friend but was not allowed or supposed to contact her. He then made Michelle tell her friend one evening who was really talking to her, and this upset her greatly, and he made Michelle say who was doing all the typing so that she would hate Michelle forever and never want anything to do with her.

This pleased Michelle’s father for a while, and he enjoyed this. Later the court date took place, and my friend was still upset from all that had happened, and did not want to face him again, so she did not turn up. This went in Michelle’s father’s favour, and made it so he got ‘not guilty’ verdicts on both attempted murder and rape. However, Michelle’s father had started printing out fake money on his new printer, and at the time, had many put in an envelope and in this way was to ‘help’ her friend out with supposedly real money, putting Michelle’s father in a good position to receive her thanks and favour. However it was counterfeit money, and the police happened to find this envelope of money whilst in the house. So my father thought he had got away with everything, which is what he wanted. But he got found guilty on attempting to use counterfeit money. He was given a fine, and a few hundred hours of community service.

Father was relieved he did not go to prison, but he was very unhappy about this community service and fine. He begrudgingly did these hours of community service, however he started to get very dark and silent. He was not speaking hardly at home. He was not making Michelle and her brothers food. Nobody knew what he was up to. He was very somber, sullen. He was planning and scheming. Michelle was worried and anxious about this ongoing mood and where he was going every single night. So she gently but cautiously asked her father is everything ok and where he was going every evening.

He told her, come with me and I will show you. Michelle didn’t like it when her father was secretive like this, but she had to stay with him, if she was to get to know what was happening. She was good at acting, and would pretend she was interested and it was all very exciting. Her father was likely to tell her more if she was like this.

He took her to where her friend lived, and parked across the road from her house. She could see her friend’s lights were on. Her car was in the drive. Everything seemed fine. Her father then showed her the cut keys. “Whose are they?” she asks, and her father replies: “These are your friend’s car keys. I got them cut while you were in London.” Michelle now tried to hide her absolute shock at this, and alarm, and kept a straight but normal face. She enquired further as to why they were there. His eyes lit up as he began to tell her all how for weeks now, every night he comes to this place, and he watches my friends house, and he follows her, and he sees where she goes, and follows her. He keeps his distance, but he says how he now knows her habits and where she goes and when. He then talks about what he plans to do, and how, and how he needs a getaway driver for this mission.

Michelle hides her own fears and insecurities and asks what she would have to do. Her father tells her that all she would have to do was drive him to her friend’s place, then wait while he gets into the car, then drive to the spot he has designated, watch from a distance while he sets the car on fire, and then take him home.

She has no choice but to accept. He tells Michelle how he will be very pleased with this. Michelle fakes a smile, and they go home.

The evening comes, and Michelle and her father, at around three in the morning, on a frosty cold night, go to the garage. He gets some petrol in a container, and buys matches. She then drives her father to her friend’s house, feeling extremely uneasy, but fearful of what her father would or could do to her, if she was not obedient. All sorts are going through Michelle’s mind, and she desperately does not want to hurt her once best friend anymore. But her father has been waiting and planning and scheming for many months, and wants his vengeance, and nothing will stop him. She watches as he gets out, and sneaks up the driveway. He opens the car door as quietly as he can, then lets the handbrake loose and quickly jumps in and steers the car down out of the driveway, and then starts the car, and very quickly drives off, at which Michelle then follows in her car. Her father was driving very quickly, so much so that Michelle (even though a good, and fast driver) found it hard to actually keep up. But she then stops where he stopped at a forested area and layby, which he picked as the designated spot. He then gets out of the her friend’s car, gets the tank of fuel, splashes it all over inside her car, and outside, and opens the windows, he then lights a match and sets it on fire, and runs very quickly. He runs to Michelle’s car, and she hears a very loud BOOM!!! Where her car is now blown up, and in complete flames!

Her father gets in Michelle’s car, and says: “Put your foot down!!!” So Michelle, who almost cannot believe what has just happened, puts her foot down, and drives home. Her and her father get back home, and he is full of adrenaline, and laughing to himself. He enjoyed this revenge very much. Michelle has to fake being excited and happy about it also. She feels horrible about it all. But there is nothing she can do. She finds it hard to sleep that evening. He slept very well for the first night in months!

There was a call in the morning from the police, as my best friend went to get up for work the next morning, and the police knocked on her door, saying that her car was stolen and found in a wooded area, to which she said: “No, there must be some mistake, mine is in the driveway,” but then looking out in her dressing gown, sees it has gone!

The police ask my father where he was between such and such a time. He says sleeping in his bed. He says I have two witnesses to prove this, to which he hands the phone over to my brothers, who were instructed to say that he was in bed sleeping. They are not entirely sure what happened.

My father wishes to tell some family members that day, and brag about his revenge to them, to which they also congratulate him and think it’s absolutely hilarious and brilliant! He feels very satisfied and is in his element.

Michelle’s father got away with this, and even though many a time, Michelle tried to get this seen to later, he just made her out to be a liar, and spreading harmful gossip. It was time to move though from where our childhood home and area was, as now the neighbours knew him and what he was like, so did the police there, and others were very suspicious. There was a council exchange, and we moved to the nearest city in which all the family were now living, so Michelle’s family were closer to them.

Michelle and her family settle in the new place. All are now working within the household. Michelle is having difficulty in her job. They offer her counselling within the job, and even give her some time off. They try to do whatever they can to keep her because she is good at what she does. Michelle’s father comes into her work often, and tells her she has to leave this afternoon or on another day, so that she can deal with something going on in his work, as they need an extra driver. Father brings home cannabis seedlings, hides them in the wardrobe and starts to grow them. He tells Michelle what they are, and he also tells her that whatever money he gets for these, he will give half to her for helping him out.

Michelle loses her job at the University, as she is having too much time off, and not being reliable enough. On the day she loses it, they tell her they are sorry but they have to let her go; she breaks down, and cries, and the first thing they hear from her is: “My father told me whatever I do, I must not lose my job.” They feel sad to let go of her and tried many things, but had to in the end. She tells her father, and he is very disappointed, and she knows this, and her payments for her car are now in jeopardy, as well as insurance etc… Her father makes her drive straight back to her now ex-employment, and her father tells her to go and demand references, so she has to awkwardly go straight into her boss’s room, and demand these references to which she is told she no longer works here, and that she cannot just come in here any longer, and that references will be posted to her in another week or so.

Her father is not amused, and then makes her go to a company that finds employment. A temping agency. Work for six months or a few months perhaps. She then has interviews and gets another good, well-paid job. She does well at her employment, and the boss is pleased with her work. However, Michelle is having some relationship difficulties, and is trying to leave home, and her father is making it difficult. She needs a place to stay, and so she is now looking for a place. The boss notices she is having trouble, and invites her into his office. He has a chat with her, and asks what the problem is. She tells him what’s going on briefly and so then he then puts everything on hold, takes her in his own expensive car to lunch, he then takes her to a place where she can get places to live quickly, and he gets stuff sorted out for her, then drives her back to the office. She didn’t expect any of this and never asked him to do anything, but he wanted to, so she is very grateful for the help.

As time goes by, work suffers after more emotional turmoil, and the boss is forced again to sack me. He was not pleased he had to now look for someone else. He was angry about it all. The other women there could see Michelle had lost weight and was struggling and suggested she get help.

She went from relationship to relationship, and place to place, and she went from one job to another. She was terribly unstable and unhappy. But she kept going and going until the emotional turmoil took its toll on her and her mental health. The time came when there were more doctors’ appointments, different medication, then sick notes, then permanent sick pay, then therapy, lots of it, and appointments, different therapists, different psychiatrists, and psychiatric nurses, psychotherapists. More medication. More time back at home depressed, upset so much so her youngest brother now took on the role of looking after her while her dad had to leave early to get to work. But her youngest brother had more time in the morning, and felt bad for his sister and would make her eat something, and would keep her going, as she fell into deep depression once again, and couldn’t look after herself. Her brother took more and more time off work, because he was concerned about his sister. In the end, he ended up giving up his work because she was so unwell.

She was forced to sell her car back to the finance company she bought it from. Her father forced her to phone the company and talk to the owner. The guy who sold it to her sexually harassed her over the phone, telling her to touch herself, along with other things, to which she had to laugh off, and pretend was nothing.

Michelle had different friends and ones she went out with in the evenings for drinks still. She then met someone while she was out one evening with some friends, someone whom she fell in love with very fast and very deeply. She had previously dated his older brother, but it didn’t work out, as she was only dating him because her father told her he was acceptable as he was very rich. But she did not love him. It was the younger brother whom she really liked. But he had been in a relationship with someone at the time for ten years or so. However, they had recently split up. Michelle met him one evening, and that was all it took.

To be continued…

Once upon a time – Part 3

Once upon a time – Part 3

Continued…

The college environment was more relaxed than school in some ways. They treated you like more of an adult, and you had these periods in the timetable where you were meant to study. These periods were often spent in the “common area”, where everyone hung out. Michelle ended up gravitating toward boys as friends, rather than the girls, and many of the girls seemed to get jealous or think she was weird, or they just didn’t seem to get her. She had some old high school friends on the coach, which was good. She had a few girl friends, but not any real best friends.

The first year was an intermediate business course, and she studied hard, and went to Spain for three weeks, and worked abroad at a Spanish office, as this was part of the course. She stayed with a Spanish family, and there was an exchange, so the Spanish girl came over to stay with her family. This felt very uncomfortable, as you can imagine. Especially the fact that Michelle’s father admitted how he liked/fancied the Spanish girl. Michelle was not sure quite how to take this information. She felt angered at this. It did not sit well with her.

It was then about this time she remembers finding these secret little microphones attached to wires, that ran from her bedroom underneath the carpet to her dad’s bedroom. How strange! Her father wanted her to translate her Spanish friends’ private phone calls to her own mother in Spain while she was over here. He tried to record them. He bought her a present when she was to return home, and made it seem that it came from Michelle. It was a music CD which she loved the singer of, but still, it was from him.

Michelle passed this course with distinction, and flying colours, and this improved her grades in English and Maths also. She got more used to college life, and had experienced new and interesting and even endured scary things that she didn’t think she could, and this gave her some confidence. Now on a second course there, an Intensive Secretarial course, she yet again had boy trouble… except this time she knew nothing about the boy, she just got spoken to suddenly by a very aggressive girl, wanting to know what she was doing with her boyfriend, and why, when he was ‘already taken.’

Michelle remembers telling this girl that she did not know what an earth she was going on about, and she had nothing to do with him; and yet she swears he had a massive crush on Michelle and talked about her. Michelle shrugged and said she really wants nothing to do with her boyfriend and never has even met him, and she suggested she talk to her boyfriend about it.

This seemed to go on wherever she went, and therefore this is why she was friends with quite a few of the boys, because the girls seemed to keep getting the wrong end of the stick. There were however a couple of girls on this course who she was really great friends with. One in particular – she was fantastic. Michelle and her got on like a house on fire! They both were learning to drive around the same time. So once they both got cars, they used to drive around each other’s houses all the time, sometimes stay round.

Between home life, and college, things were draining Michelle, and these were very long days. She managed to pass a load of typing and word processing exams on this course. However, half way through the year, it was like she then had hit a huge brick wall. It was like all of the past 17/18 years suddenly caught up with her. She started having panic attacks every day, and broke down to such an extent at college one day, that the teachers suggested she get help. She was unnerved by all of this, as it really made everything come to an absolute halt. Her mental and emotional health took a severe nosedive. She remembers going to the doctors and receiving anti-depressants. She had to leave college. She was diagnosed with clinical depression, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder; but nothing was really explained to her, or what was going on, she just remembers feeling in fear a lot, and like her father did not really know what was going on either.

She remembers not being able to eat, and even the smell of food making her feel sick. She just felt nauseous all the time, and she lost lots of weight, and literally nothing fit her because she was skin and bones. Her friends from college would write to her, and keep in contact. Her best friend would write pages and pages. Michelle though could not deal with anything. It was like everything shut down. It was a totally dissociative type state. Her father used to drag her out for a walk every day, just to get her some air. Then she would be given these anti-depressants to help with the panic attacks and to help her sleep, but she did not understand anything, except lots of emotional type pain, and feeling like she could not go on, because she got so scared to even live. This kind of fear and panic she had not known before, but it was very frightening. It felt like she could not go on.

Much of this time she does not remember, because it was too painful. She remembers trying to eat, maybe suck on a square of chocolate or being given a chip to chew, and it being so damn hard to do. To just eat a very tiny piece of food, and it rolling around in her mouth, and it was so hard to just swallow it. Not physically, but emotionally. She would be sat in front of the television, or by the window, and literally just switch off. Life would go by. She had some other pen pals she used to write to, and she would try to explain this in her letters, and it helped a little. It was a horrible time.

The medication would make her very sleepy and dopey, which made life a bit easier, but also made it feel like nothing was real. She was put on a higher dose. After around 6-8 months, she picked up a little, and began to start to eat a bit more, but still was mainly on drinking-type food. She was also seeing a dietician. And there were regular trips to the doctor’s. During this time, she became very reliant on her father to do everything, because she literally didn’t have the will to do anything. He would wash and dress her, even feed her, because she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t look after herself very well. She was like a little girl at the age of 18.

Around this time, she remembers getting strange letters all written in capitals in the post. They were love letters. Very romantic, and expressing how and in what ways she was beautiful and rare, and how this person had loved her from a far, and always saw her, as he was walking or driving, but never had the courage to come up to her. How she only ever need look in the mirror to see her beauty and how he wished to walk out in the countryside with her, and just be in her presence. The first letter had instructions, to go over the park opposite, and sit on the swings the next day, holding the letter. Her father, strangely, told her to do that. She went, and sat on the swings, with a piece of plain paper, but not the actual letter.

She remembers opening further letters from this person, whom she didn’t know, which came in the post, about how he saw her sitting on the swings. He described himself as someone with an important job, and how a song gave him the courage to write these letters to her. He told her how she should put up these different coloured squares of paper in her bedroom window. Each coloured square meant something different, for example, the green one, meant a green light, and to possibly meet, and the yellow, to keep the letters coming as they were enjoyable.

Her father and she kept trying to figure out who this person could be. Her father made her stand around outside pretending to take photos of all the vehicles going past, as if to scare whoever it was away. Strange things. He made her wear tight clothes, and walk around outside. Her father took these letters to the police, and the police told her that whoever it was, they knew the family, and that we should not play his games, and that it sounded like an obsession of some kind.

The letters stopped, but for ages after, she felt like she was being watched. Who was this person? She never found out.

She remembers also going into her father’s room and finding a diary, in fact many diaries, with encoded writing in them. She tried many times to work out this code. All she knew was that many pages had her name in there. Her name was all over the place. She found her underwear in there too, and thought maybe he dropped the washing or something?

But more than any other thing that disturbed her, was the fact that she would often wake to her father there at night in the dark, and ask him: “What are you doing?” He would make many excuses like, “I was just looking for something,” or “It relaxes me to watch you sleep,” or “I was just tucking you in.” She remembers always feeling a cold dread and fear whenever this happened. It was like she couldn’t move. She did not want to actually take in or believe what was happening. But it happened more and more. She remembers switching off every time, in a dissociative type state. She could not feel anything there, and was in her safe world, where nothing could harm her. It was as if she would not accept reality, because it’s her father. It could not have been anything bad. Right? In her head, she believed all the excuses he told her. He would not do anything bad. This would not/could not happen. She remembers hands coming under the covers, or feeling wet, but does not remember much else. Or sometimes how long he had been there and even how often this had been going on. Had she blocked out what was happening? She does not know. But she knows that whenever her husband tries to touch her there now, she goes into a dissociative type state, and cries. But she does not know why or what she is crying about.

Her father saw she had put a lock on her door one day, and she started to lock her bedroom door, but he got very angry with this, and kicked the door so hard it came off! He used to hit her hard, or punch her, at times, until she stopped crying, almost in a fit of rage! Again she used to go into a dissociative state after, and it was like she couldn’t feel anything. She was often left in total shock and terror! She used to never remember though. It all got blocked out for many, many years, until memories started to come back in different ways through PTSD. She used to put things in front of the door so that she would wake up when he would come through, and she would pretend to be sleeping, and if his hands started to come under the covers, then she would turn around, and this would startle him enough to go away. She thought of all ways she could and could not understand why he would keep coming into her bedroom at night. (You do not want to think of horrible things, and this does not even enter your head. You cannot love and trust someone who does these things, yet she was forced to). She remembers having great trouble with this. She loved him but despised his very existence. Yet she could not show these feelings, because nobody would believe her. They had to stay locked up, and she had to try to just bury them all. She was not allowed a voice. To be heard. But one day, the truth would come out…

Her friend started to come over a lot and see her, and her father would stay up many evenings talking to her about many things. Her friend didn’t have a father, as hers left when she was young, so she loved to talk to Michelle’s father. Her friends’ mother was a single parent too. And she just had a younger sister. Michelle’s family and her friend’s family became close. They would do stuff together, although there was never any romantic interest with the two single parents. They were just good friends.

Michelle’s father had other ideas, and other fantasies no doubt. He became very enamoured with her best friend. She was 18 and Michelle was now 19. He asked her to take Michelle out clubbing, and ‘get her some confidence.’ So they started to go out and have some good times, and started to drink, dance, and pick up boys of course. Many Michelle ended up giving false numbers to. Many of these guys would want to sleep with her, but she found ways to keep them at bay. She had a few relationships with boys, but would never sleep with them, although sometimes kissing and other things would happen. She would go from relationship to relationship. Her friend was nice looking. Pretty, and was more developed than Michelle.

Michelle’s friend thought nothing of anything and enjoyed Michelle’s father’s company, even more than she did Michelle’s at times, and her father and her friend would get close emotionally. Michelle did not think anything of this at the time, despite what was happening. She does remember though, often going to bed feeling a kind of jealousy, and felt unloved, and was not getting any emotional type support. She never said anything. She was used to pushing down any of those horrible upsetting feelings. She used to go upstairs and find the stars to talk to, and they were her friends, or her surrogate mother and father. The twinkling of her two favourite stars, were translated to her as reassurance, and hope, and that everything would be ok, as she wept at the window, telling the stars her problems and things she was upset over. She would always find these two stars. She named them Tiberius and Cassy. She found a way to survive.

She had also been regularly self-harming. At times she would have relationships with boys and then stay with them for weeks, because it was better than being at home. Or she would run away, and stay with other friends. She would walk down the road with a knife in her hand. She would sit outside on the lawn, crying, because her father would lock her outside. He would throw her clothes and music cd’s out of the window, and he would disable her car so she could not drive it, and then he would go out, and leave her there sobbing in the garden. She would not know when he would return. There was nothing she could do. So she used to scream out in total dismay and sob repeatedly, and it would be so loud the neighbours would hear, and unbeknownst to her, they would call the police. The police would come over, and come to her aid. Her body all withered from all the emotion and upset, and she would tell them, she did not know what he had done to her car, and he locked her out etc. She did not know what to do.

The police were horrified at this, and tried to calm her down, and as they were doing this one time, he came walking back as if nothing had happened. He came and asked them what seems to be the problem? As if he didn’t know. The police tried to reason with him, but he would be clever and would evade when asked questions. Like he really did not know what had happened to Michelle’s car, that kind of thing. The police could see right through him, and stood there until she could get safely in and pack a few things together, and then leave, and they told her they would take her wherever she needed to go. They took her over an hour away to the house of her friend from college, whom she would be safe with. Eventually as always, her father would either find her or get in contact, or she would come back, and he would somehow get her to come and stay back home again. He would use the cats, or my brothers, as bait. She had many incidences with the police like that.

Going back to Michelle during this time when her friend was around a lot. Michelle started to get better within herself emotionally, and got a good, well-paying job, and her first car, which was awesome. Her father often took photos of her and her best friend. He was proud of Michelle for getting a good job and a nice car. If she came back late though from nights out – which he told her to go out on – he would stay up, waiting for her in the dark, and then she would go upstairs with a feeling of dread and know that he was gonna get her back for that. She just knew that whenever she upset her father, he would get her back. It is how he worked. So she would be trying to sleep in the morning, and he would bang on the pipes underneath her bedroom or play loud music, so that she could not sleep. Michelle would often lie, and tell him she would be round a friend’s. She hated more and more coming home, never knowing what type of mood her father would be in. She wanted to stay anywhere but at home.

She and her best friend decided one time to go to London for the weekend as we wanted to see a top west end show there. She left her car at ours. Unbeknownst to her and Michelle, her father had copies of her keys cut. (She found this out later). They booked a bed and breakfast in London, and went to see a couple of shows, and some sights. It was fun, and they got a bit lost but found their way out eventually, due to a guy chatting her up on the train ride there, and she remembered having his number he wrote down on a piece of paper. He came and picked them both up in London, and took them where they needed to go.

They came back after the weekend in London, tired but having enjoyed themselves, and Michelle had work the next day, and her friend could stay the night, so she did, as she didn’t have work the next day, so she said to her friend, get up when you ready, and we will speak later. So she slept in Michelle’s room on a bed in there. Whilst Michelle is at work, Michelle’s father comes up and starts taking photos of her friend, and she didn’t really like it. She then got told to take off her pyjamas, and Michelle’s father would have this look, where he would just stare, and he had a tie where he wanted to tie up her hands, and her friend got scared and just did as he said, and he got her on Michelle’s bed, and started feeling and touching her up, and kissing her, and behaving inappropriately, as she was 18 and he was in his mid to late 40s by now. She manages to distract him to go get her a drink, which he goes downstairs to get, and while he is downstairs, she goes to the bathroom and climbs out of the window in her nightdress. The window comes out on the shed roof, which is shared with the neighbours. She saw the lady neighbour hanging out some washing, and asked her for help and to call the police.

Michelle was still at work this evening. She was good at her job, and things were great. Suddenly later that day at around 5/6ish, someone passes the phone over to me, and it is her best friend, on the phone, crying and upset, and in one of those places they check you over for rape. She was shocked by the whole thing and didn’t know what was going on, and she said how he touched her and how Michelle had to believe her. Of course it then dawned on Michelle that maybe she should have told her friend about what he had been like. Michelle got taken to stay with family that night, as the house was being searched by the police, and her father was being questioned for several hours at the police station.

The family were all very worried about her father, saying how Michelle’s friend probably was asking for trouble. Michelle was the only one worried about her friend. But Michelle was not allowed to have those feelings, and if the family knew, they would have a go at her. That evening, she decided to say something about her father, just briefly, implying that she would not put it past him to do something like that, and suddenly her uncle got up and angrily shouted at her in contempt, telling her, how dare she say such awful things about her father. Michelle got up and walked out of the door, crying, and not knowing what to do or where to go. She just wanted to be out of the way of family.

Michelle and her brothers had to stay with her uncle and auntie for a week or so, then. It was not something they wanted, but they had no choice.

What happened to her father?

To be continued…

Once upon a time – Part 2

Again it will be written and told as from the third person again. This helps me to mentally and emotionally distance myself somewhat. It helps me to feel like I am writing a story rather than it actually being my own in a sense…

Once upon a time – Part 2

Continued…

So Michelle gets to high school, and she is so nervous the first few days, because it’s all new stuff. She has to be brave. Not to mention the fact that many of her friends went to the other high school in the area, so it was a new environment, new, yet-to-make friends, new teachers, and new school timetable and lessons. She had to get on her bike and ride about a couple of miles to school, rather than just cross the road. It was all challenging and new. She would have liked to have been dropped off by her mother, and given some reassurance and courage, but her mother was dead. She would have liked to have been dropped off in the car, and reassured by her dad, but he was off to work/college early in the morning. Michelle and her brothers had a babysitter in the morning, and often another when she and her brothers came home from school.

So there was just her, and she had no choice but to adapt. It was what she was good at. Time to do it again. She had anxiety, but she covered it well. Only the second or third day she went into school, she was locking her bike up at the bike sheds, and this nice enough boy come along, and suddenly asked her if she had a boyfriend. To which she replied: “Um, no I do not!” Then she was asked: “Would you like to go out with (Name), he is over there?”

She was thinking to herself, why did he get his friend to come and ask me? But she looked over and thought, he was kinda cute, nice looking… and then said: “No!” To which the boy looked slightly puzzled and then went away back to his friend.

This boy whom she just turned down, happened to be in most of her classes. Now she felt slightly uncomfortable. She just wanted to concentrate on her schoolwork. When the first break came, suddenly this tallish, dark-haired girl came standing in her face, in the corridor, cornered her, and said: “Excuse me but what on earth are you doing talking to my boyfriend?! He has someone already – and it’s me! So get your hands off!”

Michelle replied to her exactly what took place at the bike sheds, and told her how she turned him down, and that she was quite happy to keep away from him!

The girl looked annoyed and went off with her friends.

Later through class gossip, she found out that if Michelle said yes, then he would have dropped his then girlfriend. She got the impression that this boy was not used to being turned down, because he was popular and good looking, and apparently all the girls fancied him. Anyway, there were many things being whispered and said but Michelle continued to turn him down. This turned out to be good practice in high school, as many were engaging in sexual acts, and some girls even getting pregnant.

As time went by, high school had its lows and highs, and she made friends. The type of friends she made were kind of ‘in the middle.’ They were not considered the higher-up girls (who dominated), but not low-level, either. However there were occasions when some of the (lower-ranking) girls were trying to be friends with her, and she felt kinda bad for them, so she would befriend them, but on other occasions she would treat them not very nicely and even made them cry; something that she was not proud of, and always apologised to them for. She struggled to find her place, as many do at high school. But she got the hang of it more in the third and fourth years. She relied on humour a lot, and had an ability to make people laugh. She seemed to be adept at copying behaviour types, and would ‘take off’ people (imitate them) very well.

She had problems though, getting to school on time. Some days she was taken in the car on bad weather days, but because her family was poor, the family car was very cheap and often had problems, and would break down.

Many a day, she remembers, having to, with her brothers, bump-start the car, running down the road, which tired her out, and often would make her late for school. She remembers some teachers making a very big deal out of lateness, so much so that she was shouted at many times, and told to get out of the classroom – and then told off privately by the form teacher; so she would take their telling off stoically, but then go downstairs into the toilets and cry. She remembers many occasions at school where teachers would just blow up in her face, and thinking, that really was unfair.

She never talked about these things at home, or remember telling anyone. She would just absorb and then adapt. By the end of the school day, if anything upsetting happened, it was probably forgotten about. She just had to keep moving forward.

Sometimes there were bullies, and one time, a particularly nasty boy would take his turn to bully everyone at some point. He used to often sit in assemblies behind Michelle, and pull out single head hairs; she used to just sit there, angry, fuming inside, and thinking to herself, at some point, I will get him back. There happened to be an opportunity when he took her pencil case and thought it would be a nice joke to start throwing it around the room. So she got a pencil and sharpened it to a very sharp tip, walked over with it behind her hand, looked him straight in the eyes, then leaned down and shoved it sharply into his hand on the table. She said: “Give me back my pencil case, NOW!” So he said: “All right, all right…” She then she pushed the table into him, and he gave it back! Won’t fuck with me again she thought, as she walked back to her table. She was tiny and petite little thing, and possibly look like an easy target, but nobody knew what she was made out of. Her father did at least teach her how to deal with bullies.

She had a free dinner disc that she had to collect, which meant you had free school meals. It also meant every break time you had to go collect it in an office, and have it signed out. She remembers bumping into the head teacher a lot up there, as it was where all the teachers went. He seemed a nice guy, always said hello to her, and asked how she was.

Michelle was in the school orchestra, as she played violin, and used to love it, because she could get out of other boring classes like Maths, and say she had violin practice, and this was allowed. She never like Maths, and was never good at it, especially because the teacher used to put her on the spot and make her feel pressured. She wasn’t keen on English but didn’t mind some of it, and also wasn’t keen on science, humanities, geography, etc. She hated P.E., not to mention the fact that the P.E. teacher was also her Maths teacher, and would walk through the girls’ changing rooms whenever he felt like it. The subject though really didn’t matter, as if you had a good teacher, then you would learn better.

She remembers enjoying Art, Music, and Spanish, and kind of enjoyed home economics for a different scenery and pace. She also happened to be good at drama. As a result she was in many plays, and after school dancing and singing concerts that parents came to watch. She had to play a piano piece she wrote herself, at one time. Also she remembers playing violin in the orchestra many a time, and dancing, singing, in these after school shows. These were the things that made school enjoyable.

School was difficult to go to though, and also still continuing with piano lessons. There was lots of homework. She was always anxious, unsettled, hardly used to eat. Her father had these strange ways. One time she got to school late, as the headmaster was coming out, and he saw that she was upset in the car, and he said hello to her father, and her father said: “she is not wanting to go into school today but I’ve driven her here anyway.” The headmaster was concerned and said: “Is there any kind of bullying going on that he didn’t know of, and was that the reason?” She just shook her head, and then he said: “why don’t you come up into my office and we shall have a little chat, and sort things out.” So my father left, and up she went into the headmasters’ office, which just seemed strange, but nice because he was in charge, and he rang through to let the form teacher know she was with him and to check her as there on the register. Then he got her to sit down, and she remembers he gave her some coffee. He was very genuine and kind.

Then he asked her a question. He asked: “Is there anything going on at home that is not nice, or unpleasant for you?” She remembers just sitting there, and letting that question sink in, and for some reason, being unable to really answer it. So she just said that everything at home was fine. This was the first time anybody enquired as to home life. For the first time she felt someone cared enough to actually ask her that question. Someone actually acknowledged that there might be or could be some problems at home. Someone noticed. Someone saw…She remembers all day thinking about this.

From that moment on, she always spoke to him whenever he said hello, and even though she never told him anything, she still was always polite and felt at ease with him. Almost like he was a friend.

She had many a crush on boys at school, usually they were in the higher years, but she would never say anything, and just would keep it to herself. She remembers having a crush for about 10 years or so, on somebody outside of school, kind of a friend of a friend. This person knew the family, and knew them since they were young, and would be in the same congregation religious meetings that dad was going to and hence her brothers and her went to, too. He was about 6 years older than her. She was totally besotted with him. He was confident, and very good-looking. Lots of the girls in the congregation liked him. He was liked by everyone. They used to go see a sweet old lady friend from the congregation, and she would always talk about how caring and nice he was. Michelle would literally soak up everything she had to say about him. At times he would pop round while she and her family were there. And her heart would literally stop! She used to count down the days until she would see him again.

There were these big conventions like every six months, and he would be at those, and she would just be in awe of him. She never could eat, because if she knew he was near, she was so nervous. His name was Peter, and she just loved him. She used to constantly fantasize about him; not in a sexual way, but just in a love-besotted type way. She would plague her dad for any information about him, any little snippet. This is what kept her going through school days, as home life was uneasy, and being an emotional support for her father and brothers at the time was tiring. If you like, this was her escapism, her dream world into which she could go. It was like a high. But Peter moved to Russia, and did all this exciting stuff, and got married, yet she still loved him. He was her first ever love. She remembers crying over him so so much. Yet he never knew anything. She used to come home every day and ask if there was any news about him. Sometimes her dad went especially to see his mum, and got news, and this excited her so much. It was like receiving water whilst in the desert.

She remembers struggling with things, and one thing in particular was very puzzling. This was her father’s relationship with her. He used to tell her things that she did not need or wish to know. Sometimes these things were sexual in nature, and about his relationship with her mum. Also how he was lonely, and these sorts of things. She was often a confidant for him. Michelle was a growing woman, though hadn’t yet started to develop. She remembers just feeling very uncomfortable with it just being her and him. He tended to take more of an interest in her and her friends, and what was going on. Maybe because she was the only girl in the house? She still did not know her place or who she was. She was very innocent compared to other girls her own age. It felt like he was moulding her though, and grooming her to be a certain type of person, again always referring to her mother as someone she reminded him of, but it felt more and more creepy, in a strange kind of way that she never could really put her finger on. Of course, when girly type issues arrived, like ‘what is this discharge I have sometimes, like egg white coming out of me,’ she would have no other person really to go to – there were aunts and grandmothers, but Michelle and her brothers were all 18 miles away from the rest of the family. Often they would either visit family only odd weekends, or her and the family would sometimes travel to see them. Her father was someone who was seen as a pillar in the family.

Things really started happening as Michelle left school from 16/17 onward. 17 was when she started her periods. Her grades from school were not that impressive and she never knew what to do when she left school. Her father wanted her to get a high-paying job, and earn well. To do this, she had to think about getting better Maths and English grades, and this meant going to college. It would mean many early mornings, and a lot more stress and study. The good thing was she didn’t have to wear a uniform. The bad thing was, because her family were still poor, there was hardly ever money for new clothes. Therefore, she remembers getting hand-me-downs from her aunt, and other charity places. Often these clothes would be too big. Family holidays were always a worrying time for her, especially with the sleeping arrangements. She would always hope there were actual rooms with doors preferably with a lock.

Her father had the habit at home of getting in the shower and then shouting out to her to get him fresh pants, and a towel, then she would bring them into the bathroom, and he would stand there sometimes washing himself, having this conversation with her, and she really did not want to be there, but he would be asking her things, and talking to her, and she felt like she had to stay, yet she really did not want to look at his nakedness. It felt very uncomfortable.

He used to often take photographs of her, and ask her to pose certain ways. He always wanted her to have more confidence. Was this normal? Did other dads do this? She really had no idea. She just went along with it. It is her father, and he was providing a roof over her head, and food, etc, and so she trusts him, but she doesn’t trust him at the same time. It’s weird. She loved him, yet she really hated him at the exact same time.

The time came to start college, and this was now yet another thing to adapt to. She remembers being scared of it all, really scared. It was another whole different environment. There were new friends to be made. She was still not sure where she fitted in.

This meant getting a nearly 2-hour coach trip every morning at 6:30am to where the closest college was. But once again she braves ever forward… not knowing quite where it will lead or go…

To be continued…

The darkness…

I am struggling so much right now…and that is an understatement! This darkness I’m in, is a horrible place to be. It’s squeezing the life out of me. I do not know literally if I am coming or going. I feel like I’m being tortured from the inside. Everything feels up in the air and uncertain. I feel like I’m about to hit a brick wall at full speed, or maybe I have and just haven’t realised it yet. There has been the death of my husband’s grandmother who I saw as my nana too. She along with my husband’s parents lived with us. And so we are all grieving her loss. She died peacefully at home in her bed. We knew it would not be long as she has been deteriorating quickly the last few months. She was getting old and fragile, but she was an amazing lady. We miss her. She died a week ago. She didn’t always understand or get my illness, but she was always kind.I have been crying, hurting, and completely exhausted, unable to do much at all. But it’s not just a death I’m dealing with, it’s much more…Sleeping at odd times, and just dissociating.

There has been other things going on too, which have rocked my mental and emotional stability, which really has not helped. There are certain people not good for me, that seem to appear on the scenes and I trust them again, thinking it’s safe to do so, thinking they will support me even, but it always proves to be to my detriment. Plus my addictions from the past have reared their ugly head, and I had a massive relapse, and so that unhinged me. I’ve had to deal with the associated bad triggers from that and guilt. I feel like I do not know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like at times family don’t or can’t understand what it is like for me. They are not in my head, so how can they?! All I have is words, yet words fail me. To them it doesn’t make any sense. And I know it doesn’t, because even I cannot make any sense of it all, and it’s happening to ME.

Welcome to fuckin mental illness!! How do you explain you are existing, but you really don’t want to be here? You are like an injured animal in the road that needs a big truck to run over you and finish you off, because the first vehicle just didn’t do the job properly. You are waiting for the big truck. But it doesn’t come.

It’s like being on death row but without an execution date…How do you let people know that you are looking into what seems like a very dark, abyss-like hole, and one where the darkness is surrounding you, so much that you cannot see your hand in front of your face, and the emptiness is cascading around you, breaking your very spirit? What do you say when you can no longer trust yourself, your thinking, your actions, nothing? How do you say sorry over and over again and yet genuinely mean it, that you didn’t mean to let people down, or hurt them in any way? How do you stop going around in these destructive cycles?How do you get some kind of balance back? Where an earth do you even begin? Or do you just stop? I am holding on, yet even what I’m holding onto feels like it is slipping and breaking.

The desperate state I feel in along with my thoughts, fears, anxieties, everything… it’s ripping the stitches apart of what I am. I am losing it. Or rather I’ve already lost it, whatever ‘it’ was…I am on my knees (psychologically speaking) begging, pleading, that somehow somewhere things start to make sense in my head again, and I get some security and stability back. Have you ever had a mug of tea/coffee, and the bottom of the mug has literally just fallen out, as you are holding your mug of drink?!

Have you ever had a dream, where you are sure you woke up, but you didn’t, you were still asleep? Have you ever been suddenly in total darkness, because all the lights and electric have gone out, and now you have to feel your way around? Yet everything that was familiar to you just a moment ago, is now a potential obstacle/hazard? You thought you knew where the door or cupboard was, but it’s further than you think. You thought that was the last step, but you trip, and fall over another one you missed. Everything is not quite as it seems in the darkness!

Disoriented, unbalanced, destabilised, perturbed…