Letting go…

I’ve had enough, and as much as life has good stuff in it, I don’t see why someone in pain should have to suffer needlessly.

When I cry, I want to feel better, and the horrible hurt to be gone. But it doesn’t go away. It never has. It never will. I can’t do this.

I have been strong a long time. I’ve tried so hard. I keep getting back up, time after time after time…but I don’t want to any longer.

It is like there is no end to this emotional and mental pain. I am filled with it. It makes life very difficult and unbearable at times. It’s nor fair to those around me, or any I meet.

Is it wrong for me to want an end to all of it? Is it wrong that I just want to be at peace?

Would you keep a suffering animal alive? If there was nothing you could do to help it, then putting it down is the best option.

So why am I any different?

There is no help that anyone can give me. I know this.

You just have to let go…

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28 thoughts on “Letting go…

  1. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. Several people face this depression and unstable feeling. I too was your shoes close to 4 years ago. I was even homeless at the time when I found out had a mental illness.
    I am so happy I never succeeded with my suicide.
    If you are feeling the need to speak to someone immediately, please call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers, Dear. You are never alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t just have depression. I have BPD, PMDD, and GAD, and much more… I appreciate your kindness though! Thank you for showing your support.
      Although people will just think I’m attention seeking no doubt.

      I swear I actually got the scissors ready to stab into my neck, and I’m not kidding, the pressure in my head was so huge, that I started feeling blood in my mouth, and it was making me cough, and then my nose poured with blood, one nostril then the other….
      There was so much blood on the floor, you would think I had cut my neck…
      My husband came and cleaned it all up, and I was with my head over the toilet for a good 15 mins or so…

      I still feel upset, but mainly just worn out now… I am really struggling, and been feeling suicidal the last few days… But there are people far worse than me I’m sure.

      But no doubt I’ll wake up wanting to die again tomorrow…

      Like

      1. I will deal with it myself.
        I don’t ring anyone. Hate using phone. Nor get help from anyone.
        It’s just how it is. It’s a regular thing for someone with BPD. (suicidal tendencies/ideation)
        I know the kinds of things they would say on the phone anyway…
        I’m not in therapy, as I really have been put off. Had a lot in past.

        Basically people will say, that I’m not helping myself. But the help is pretty crap. If it happens, (where I succeed in taking my life at some point) then it happens.
        I don’t care any longer… I’ll just be another statistic. Life goes on.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Does your husband know how you feel? Seriously, I’ve been there. two failed attempts, thank God. I sincerely think you need the proper help. Why else would you have written this if you weren’t searching for help? You just need help… I assure you, it will help you.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. My husband knows.
        The options are: either go into hospital, which I don’t want.
        Or get some therapy, or more meds.

        That is all there is.

        I wrote it out of pure desperation and pain. But I’ve been living like this for years. It’s just how it is.

        You get bad times, and really bad times, and then a few good moments in between.

        I was also trying to say goodbye on here…in my own way I guess. It was like a suicide note.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I don’t know…
        But I do know that you have to let go of everyone you love, if you want to kill yourself. The pain has to be that much. So it did get to that point where I was considering letting go…

        I know this because I’ve been there three times before…

        I don’t need to be in a hospital. If I go to hospital I end up looking after everyone else there. I just need some time to get over this bad patch.

        Right now social media is not doing me any good and it is triggering me I feel.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Turn off the social media sites then. Hell, I discontinued all my sites because of all the annoying happy people. If it’s triggering you, turn it off.
        Michelle, this feeling will pass, but you have to be the one who says “Okay, enough of this shit!” I need help!” I know plenty of bloggers in the UK that have mental health issues… Please, I’m begging you, Michelle… Please get help.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I felt the exact same when I was really poorly – I thought I should be allowed to die without being made to feel guilt because it was my life, my body and my choice if I wanted to live. Now I’m in a better mental place, I am so glad those around me didn’t give up on me and let me die. I wasn’t thinking clearly as I wasn’t well. You have to remember that these thoughts are your illness, not you. You are not your illness! Lots of love x

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I understand this all too well. And while it IS totally your choice, it should be one made NOT at a moment when your brain is actually trying to kill you. Easy to say, hard to do. I think there are, in fact, other options than western medicine- because THAT WILL eff you up, big time. It is possible to climb out of this.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem or feeling. You have both ups and downs..granted you say the downs are far more frequent which simply means you are not appropriately medicated. try eastern remedies if the medications given before are not helpful. . We don’t want you to die. Your husband doesn’t want you to die. Try something different to fix the problem. We care.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t anymore but I used to… I think there are different reasons people do that but for me personally self-harm was a way to transfer my mental pain to physical pain, which oddly enough can be far less pain. Plus, it would give my mind something else to do other than to try and process all those terrible emotions. Trust me, I know how difficult it can be, but you need to try to find some healthy ways to allieviate that terrible pain. Have you tried DBT or mindfulness practice? There’s a book that helped me called “Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder” by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen. There are also many DBT workbooks that helped me when I was at my worst. I do hope this helps!

        Liked by 1 person

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